The lost years of my life.

                          My thoughts/comment from watching a video. (video at end)      

        I’m 28 years old and I have no idea what is going on. I have so much amnesia and trauma that I couldn’t map my life out if you paid me. I’m going through some painful changes myself. Healing from trauma isn’t easy, it’s like being ripped out from the inside. My level of trauma causes me to be unsure of who I am anymore. I just don’t know.

        My childhood was taken from me by my parents. I’ve lived in trauma and abuse all my life. Healing is a tough process that requires me to tear down every aspect of who I am, and work to rebuild and repair myself. This is traumatic in it of itself. I didn’t get the luxury of living. I got dealt a hand where I’ve been fighting for my life, my entire life. and for the last 5 years I’ve dedicated my life to healing. Ages 22-28. I have infact lost all that time.

       I couldn’t spend my life living, I was too bust trying to backstep and heal what was broken inside of me. I didn’t have a choice, my body could no longer harbor all the trauma inside of me and it almost killed me. I don’t know what to think anymore. I’ve lost vital years of my life. I’m almost fucking 30, and I’m like. Woah, how the fuck did I get here? That’s the thing about trauma. I don’t know anything about life from ages 22-28. Actually.. since I don’t remember much, I don’t know about life from any age. But I think my brain still thinks I’m in my late teens.

       And what choice did I have? I had none. Even if life did continue on as it were, I’d have slipped farther and farther down into trauma anyways, and then I’d have lost the latter years of my life.

       I’m scared. I’m in a position I do not like. I’m not emotionally 28 years old. Though I suppose my wisdom from all these years of hard work do put me afraid of not only people my age, but of basically everyone. And I’m happy I’ve put myself in such a good place so I can have a good future, but.. there is a hole in my heart. I had to grow up too soon, take on things too soon. IF it wasn’t my parents putting their problems on me when I was a child, it’s this. When is there me time? When did I get to enjoy my life? I didn’t. and that’s hard for me to accept, what has been robbed from me. I’m not ready to be 28. I’m not ready to be a grown-up yet…….

 

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