The gift of writing.

OK OK! I’ll write something!! But let me just say, I DON’T WANT TO!! lol

The universe is so fucking bossy xD

You ever get that feeling of something your SUPPOSED to do, and you just don’t WANT TO? YEAAAAAAAAAAA thats how I feel .-.

So what if I’m too lazy to write? What ='(?

Writing and making videos really are two very different things. Even though you would think it’s the same expression from the same person, it really isn’t.

I feel writing and making videos have very different purposes in life, and I can feel that inside of me.

When I make a video, it’s much easier to just talk about things and work out problems, but writing is something much different for me. Sure I can work out problems, but I can also be a lot more honest with myself.

For me, writing is just easier for me and I feel it’s a medium in which we can communicate the special and intimate parts of our heart that is difficult to express on camera or even in person.

I think the ammount of focus I am able to put into things helps me a lot. Also the ability to be more private about things and not worry someone is going to hear me, and also the ability to listen to music and block out other sounds are possible while writing too.

When your making a vlog, it’s hard to listen to music and talk/think at the same time, least it is for me. But when I write, and maybe something readers experience when reading a good book, I can create another world. A world of words and images. I don’t create words with fiction or make-believe, I create a world by expressing what I imagine and transferring that to other people. I bring other people into my own mind, my thought processes and life. For a short while, and for a small bit, you can feel and experience what I do, by the power of words.

For me it’s so much easier to do that via writing than on video. vlogging can be more nerve wracking than fluid, and also the translation between the brain and the voice doesn’t always work out so well.

You know when you think something, but when you try to say it, it just comes out so wrong? That’s a struggle I run into when I make vlogs.

I feel that much more connecting to what I’m doing and creating when I’m writing. It feels very personal, very connected and it makes me happy. When I write, I feel like the world understands me, that I am understood. I make a connection in writing that I don’t know I can ever achieve on video, and that maybe due to the nature of feeling watched, or my own trouble expressing myself authentically to people.

I feel the heart to paper connection is magical. Or heart to wordpress post xD

It’s like a clear stream of energy that just can’t be expressed in any other way for me. I suppose in a way, it’s ‘flow’ to me. Almost meditative in a way.

I love writing, and I wish I did it more, but somehow I feel there’s a hindrance or limitation of writing too. Writing takes a lot of time and effort, and sometimes I just don’t feel I have that energy inside of me. I suppose I feel defeated. Maybe I just feel hopeless. That even if I write, it wont amount to anything. and that makes me really sad..

I am no stranger to defeatism and hopelessness, they are things I suffer from all the time. Actually another worry of mine is when I want to write forever, long posts, who would want to read them? Me typing on and on…….. but I suppose it takes less time than a 60 minute video xD The time people take a read what I write, is far faster than the time it takes me to write it.

I suppose more than anything else I’ve been feeling down. Really down. and I do lack hope. Wow.. I lack hope… Holy shit. Also writing allows me to keep better track of what I’m saying and keep better context, lol. and.. then I can also think more about what I’m saying or feeling at any given time.

But damn.. to say I lack hope.. I guess I never really thought about it before, even thought I’ve talked about it a lot on my vlogs.. Maybe writing really is different in that regard too. For me, writing is like assisted thinking. It lets me work out my thoughts, while also being a place where I keep a record of what I was thinking (through typing it) so I can put it all together and figure things out. Which is also possible through vlogging, but I feel it’s very different too.

The ability to see what I had written allows me to rethink about what I wrote. Which honestly, when I speak, I often forget what I’ve just said and try to follow through a thought projection in an awkward way.

This isn’t bad for when I’m venting, but I see a benefit to writing when I’m trying to connect ideas and be more objective. When there’s a need to see links and connections between ideas.

I guess overall it seems hard to differentiate between writing and vlogging because the benefits appear very similar on the surface, but they just aren’t. I suppose it’s things I can’t put into words that express the true differences, it’s something I feel and know inside.

I suppose it depends on how I feel, or what I’m really trying to accomplish. and maybe I will never know. but I hope you get what I mean, even if it’s not the words I’ve said.

 

I was never that good at understanding what someone was trying to say, if they didn’t bluntly say it. and I suppose that’s something I really need to develop and grow more. I guess maybe part of me just didn’t care or didn’t connection to others on an emotional level. I do worry that I would over intellectualize things in order to avoid pain from others. But that sort of thing just rules my life and didn’t benefit me in any way nor achieve it’s intended purpose.

I lack in so many ways……. but I suppose I’ll just figure it out somehow as I go along.

 

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