Do you feel so alone..

I hate feeling alone. Life losing it’s color, the light fading. I’m so tired of trying. I don’t wanna try anymore, I want to give up. Life would be easier if I just gave up.

Because let’s face it, my life is a lie, everything I know is a lie. My actions are a lie.

Giving up just  brings me closer to who I am at core.

I don’t wanna smile, I don’t wanna be productive, I just wanted to feel ok, but I can’t, nothing is ok. Not now, not ever.

I wanted life to make sense!! I wanted it to line up in a pretty row for me! A to B!!!!!!! But it didn’t!! Life had to be complex!! It had to be all the fucking curly cues and dotted lines and everything’s a mess!! It’s not black and white, easy to read, it’s grey!! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?? GREY!!! THAT’S NOT EASY TO FIGURE OUT!!!

I wanted life to be easy, to be simple, abc, 123, yet it’s not, far from it. It’s like a fucking rubix cube but the fucking colors don’t even match, some are missing!! That’s LIFE!! WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!

I didn’t ask for this life, I wanted an EASY LIFE!!!!!!!!! I WANTED A LIFE THAT MADE SENSE!!!!!!

I can’t stand this world, this life. I can’t fake it away, I can’t lie my way out of it. I can’t escape.

I can’t control this life. I can’t play this game. I am a bi-standard in my own “life”, too scared to play. Too scared to be real. I’m fake, so fake it’s stupid. I can’t tell you what is what, I’ve lived too close to my lie, so much so my mask became who I thought I was. I couldn’t make it on my own, things didn’t make sense. I wanted things in a special order, and I couldn’t have that.

I made my way through life with a guise trying to beguile people into thinking I was a good person, so I’d not be hurt. To fool them and myself I guess. I couldn’t take reality so I had to make another one. The deception runs deep, too deep. I worry, I wonder..

I don’t wanna do the right thing, I don’t wanna follow any rule, I just wanna do what ever the fuck I wanna do. The end.